A day to forget

The fact is today is my due date with Zachary. It is not something I want to remember. It is something I would sooner forget about it. But I can’t. I know some people will feel I need to ‘move on’ but loosing a baby is not something you can ‘move on’ from ever. And certain dates are going to be harder than others. I really want people to understand this. Time will make it easier to cope with but it’s always going to be hard. For many women who lose a baby they feel they have to hide their true feelings and thoughts because society says you just need to ‘get over it’. I want to change this. Women need to feel like they can speak out. That they can share how they feel and what they are thinking. It should be shameful. Our angel babies shouldn’t be our shame. Women shouldn’t suffer in silence. I want people to understand how hard it is. I’m so grateful to have so many supportive family and friends around me but for many women they don’t have this. And it’s because of ignorance.

So yes today is my due date with Zachary. I should be getting ready for his birth right now. I should be off work preparing for the birth of my first child. I shouldn’t be sitting here with period pain, grieving while getting ready for another round of IVF. When I first found out I was pregnant I was shocked because I really didn’t expect my first round of IVF to work. Most times the first doesn’t. Then to find out I was due on the 4th of August with my precious little bundle was even more beautiful. The 4th of August is my maternal Grandmother’s birthday and this year she would have been 80 years old (she passed when I was only 7). So the day was going to be so special. It was like my Nanny was a part of my child’s life even though she wasn’t here physically. Even if he wasn’t born on the day just having it as a due date was so special. Then to have such a traumatic lose and traumatic weeks to follow just hit me hard. To have to go through labor with my little one so early and know that there was no hope and chances. That I had just lost my first child in such a cruel way. And now to have to sit here on the day that was meant to be so happy and joyous as I celebrated my maternal grandmother’s 80th and prepared for my little one. I should be sitting here scared out of my brains about labor, worried about what is going to happen, hoping for a smooth birth. Instead I sit here with a different kind of cramping. The kind that tells you a period is on it’s way. I am trying to turn it around from a negative to a positive. That maybe getting my period on the due date for Zachary is a sign from him that this next IVF will be a success and his little sibling will be along soon. I’m trying to be hopeful. But I’m not a religious person at all so it’s hard to even believe this. At one stage I turned toward religion a little but with so much loss and heartache there is no way I can believe in any of it now. I have no faith in religion. How can any ‘god’ allow good and caring women, or anyone, to suffer so much? While drug addicted women pop baby after baby out and than abuse them? So after all this suffering and pain I have completely turned my back on religion. I try and keep hope alive though and keep moving forward with one step at a time. You don’t need to believe in something to live. So on Zachary’s due date I sit here waiting for my period to start. I wait for my next IVF round in the hope I’ll make Zachary a big brother soon.

I know today isn’t going to be easy, which is why I planned today. I knew months ago I would take today off work. There is no way I could have been there today. I wanted to take the week off but need to save my leave for IVF so couldn’t financially do it. So just today off. At first I was going to plan a day out somewhere or just stay home and lay in bed all day. But then after my last acupuncture I struggled to get an appointment after work hours and ended up knowing today was the only day I could fit it in before the start of IVF. So this morning I will travel over to the next town and have my second acupuncture treatment. Then I’m going to go shopping there, have a walk along the beach and eat lunch by the water. Just going to take it easy and do things I enjoy. Then after lunch I’ve booked in an hour massage treatment at the day spa. Not only is this relaxing but it also helps with blood flow so can help with period pain and IVF. So today will just be about putting one foot in front of the other and keeping focus on the next IVF. There is nothing I can do about changing the past. It is what it is. Zachary isn’t here and I won’t get to see him grow up. But I can focus on my goal of having a living baby. I’ll put all my energy and time into ensuring I make my dreams happen. That is all I can do. I will also allow myself to have days where I need to grieve more for Zachary, I will grieve for him for the rest of my life and that is ok. That is natural. No one should tell a grieving person that you have to ‘move on’. You learn to live with it and cope with your grief but you never truly ‘move on’ from your loss. Have those moments or days that you need to have. And if people don’t understand than that is because of their ignorance and lack of empathy not anything you have done. An angel baby’s due date is one of those days. And today is that day for me.

Medications: Metformin, Maca, CoQ10, Royal Jelly, Folic Acid 5mg and pregnancy multi vitamin. Testogel has now stopped because this is only for 21-25 days before a period that is used.

Treatments: Acupuncture. This will continue throughout IVF treatment.

Side affects: this week I had severe diarrhoea especially at night to the point I almost took a pillow into the bathroom to sleep on the toilet. Also had headaches and muscle pains.

IVF history: Cycle 1- 1 5 day embryo transferred resulted in pregnancy, lost at 15 weeks due to unknown Factor V Leiden disorder. Cycle 2- 1 poor quality 3 day embryo transferred, no pregnancy. Cycle 3- 1 good quality 5 day embryo transferred, no pregnancy. About to start round 4. Hoping for success in pregnancy and being able to get a spare embryo to freezer as well.

 

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